Diary 55, Month 1

Serendipity, this thought to compose a diary in the 55th year of my life. Or maybe it arises from a deep need to articulate the flood of reflections I'm experiencing these days. Moving a year and a half ago from Florida where we raised our children to Virginia where I was born and raised has been a wonderful thing but harder than I expected. Exhilarating, liberating. But destabilizing, disorienting.

I had dreamed of moving back for a long time, but when it actually happened with such speed, I found myself dizzy from it all. Happy to see fall leaves, wispy snowflakes fall on hard ground, houses made of brick two centuries old, daffodils, the rolling hills of the Blue Ridge, the briny Chesapeake, the monuments, museums, battlefields. So much I missed. But at the same time, not wanting to diminish that big, fundamentally important chunk of my life spent among palm trees, wide marshes, warm winters, even Disneyworld. Not just for my memory, and heart, but also for my two daughters. They too are adapting to new geography, one in New York, the other in Missouri. Different cultures, landscapes, traditions, climates. Learning to appreciate where we lived for so long as they learn to appreciate where they live now. When young people go to college, it's a natural sort of break. Not always easy, especially for those who go far away, but it's part of the adventure of youth, to venture out and investigate, experience places, people, things that are new, fresh. But when parents also move during that process, the definition of "home" gets mixed up. There's a break that's viscerally felt. Even if there are difficult memories from our Florida days, for all of us, there's a reflex to remember mainly what was light-filled, fun, warm. And protect those relationships with special people whom we love and love us. With authenticity. This instinctive self-therapy has been especially real for me since I left Florida with a good dose of fatigue and hurt after four years serving on the Orange County School Board. It was in that period when I lost friends, made new ones. When I discovered a voice that I didn't know I had and courage to make one difficult decision after another. When I saw a side of politics and public life that was unexpectedly ugly, but discovered a community of people with enormous grit and grace, bottomless compassion and dedication.

So on this first day, I write...

A beautiful cold day starting with a sunrise so saturated with color that it takes your breath away. Deep orange, red, yellow splashes against a brilliant blue. A brilliance that continues through the day. I have always loved sunrises and sunsets. Now even more. Why is that? Is it that I know I've probably lived more than half my life and want to savor each start, each ending.  Maybe. 55. What does that number mean? I'm one who looks for "signs," or messages in things I see, read, hear.

Cesium. Atomic number 55 on the periodic table. 

Discovered by Robert Wilhelm Bunsen and Gustav Robert Kirchoff, German chemists, in 1860 through the spectroscopic analysis of Durkheim mineral water. They named cesium after the blue lines they observed in its spectrum. Today, cesium is primarily obtained from the mineral pollucite (CsAlSi₂O₆). Obtaining pure cesium is difficult since cesium ores are frequently contaminated with rubidium, an element that is chemically similar to cesium. To obtain pure cesium, cesium and rubidium ores are crushed and heated with sodium metal to 650°C, forming an alloy that can then be separated with a process known as fractional distillation. Metallic cesium is too reactive to easily handle and is usually sold in the form of cesium azide (CsN₃). Cesium is recovered from cesium azide by heating it.

Cesium has the second lowest melting point of all metallic elements, which limits its uses. Cesium readily combines with oxygen and is used as a getter, a material that combines with and removes trace gases from vacuum tubes. Cesium is also used in atomic clocks, in photoelectric cells and as a catalyst in the hydrogenation of certain organic compounds. Since it is easily ionized and has a high mass, cesium ions may one day be used as a propellant in ion engines on spacecraft.

Cesium reacts violently with water and ice, forming cesium hydroxide (CsOH). Cesium hydroxide is the strongest base known and will attack glass. Cesium chloride (CsCl) and cesium nitrate (CsNO₃) are cesium's most common compounds and are primarily used in the production of other chemicals.

Cesium. Stretching it as a metaphor. Brilliant spectrum. Strong. Unique. Volatile. Powerful. Useful. Known purpose. Hidden potential.

Sounds good to me. Well, maybe not the volatile part.

coll3ctive